on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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