I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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