His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
The best revenge is premature balding
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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