I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Randomize
