matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
