I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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