update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Randomize
