Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
