New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Randomize
