I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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