Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
