Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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