You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
