dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
