At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
