I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Blood and glitter go together right?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
All I want is dick and wine.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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