one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
