She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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