What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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