she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
