Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
