walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
