Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
