I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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