We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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