We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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