I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
