billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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