I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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