cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
