I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
