my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
