I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
