I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
