i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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