I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
