the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
