rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Randomize
