Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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