wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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