She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
