Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
