Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
