Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
