Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
