My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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