you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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