i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
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