I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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