Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
