Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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