I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Randomize
